War with Horny Newts

The seasoned duo of dubbing commentators Samantha Bifidus and Josef Vokurka tackle a trashy American backwater town plagued by the sexual advances of lustful salamanders from the deep. Such a War with Newts probably never unfolded even in Karel Čapek's wettest dreams.

"It is in the nature of us humans that when we experience something terribly bad, we find a peculiar satisfaction in it being 'the worst' in that unpleasant category the world has ever seen." (Karel Čapek, War with the Newts)

And the same is true of us, the Hardened Viewers. In the case of the film War with Horny Newts (Humanoids from the Deep), however, one cannot speak of the worst — this brisk 1980s B-movie oozes like the finest sand from the paws of moss-covered creatures that have emerged from the ocean depths and want to court human females. The courtship performed by these newts consists of, for some unknown evolutionary reason, first biting off the female's rear end, and while the unfortunate woman flies about screaming naked in all directions, the newt attempts to mate. It is a struggle of such magnitude that even Sir David Attenborough has not yet attempted to approach it. And there are no victors in it. Only the devoured and the aroused.

Besides the newts' interspecies sex, the film also offers traditional relationship dramas and other misadventures of the inhabitants of a remote fishing village. The unexpected invasion of salamanders into the community brings no revival, quite the opposite — corpses pile up, the newts' appetite does not wane, and the scientists are completely frazzled. Will the heroes manage to save the traditional festival with music, the presence of Miss Upper Rear, and the carousel, which is supposed to start any day now?

How the conflict between the trashy rural backwater and the wild fury of enraged slimy amphibians will end, you will only find out at the Hardened Viewer Festival. The dubbing duo of Samantha Bifidus and Josef Vokurka, who will guide you through the film, still do not know whom to root for — they have understanding for all involved.